For women, a breakup or divorce in your fifties or sixties can feel like someone lifted the foundation of your life and gently set it back down in a different place. Everything looks familiar, yet nothing feels the same. You may wake up in the morning and notice silence where conversation used to be. You may cook dinner for one and suddenly feel the weight of that empty chair. Even the routines you used to do without thinking may now feel strangely hollow.
If this sounds like your experience, let yourself take a breath. You are not the only one navigating this chapter. The American Psychological Association reports that gray divorce continues to rise, meaning more women over fifty are starting over in ways they never expected. You are not alone in this. You are part of a quiet, powerful community of women who are rediscovering themselves at their own pace.
We spoke with Oona Metz, LICSW, author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women, who generously shared her insights with the ZestYears team and offered guidance drawn from years of helping women heal and move forward.
Start Where You Are, Not Where You Think You Should Be
After a long relationship ends, many women ask themselves, “Who am I now?” You may have carried the roles of partner, caretaker, planner, or peacekeeper for years. When the relationship changes or ends, it is natural to feel unanchored.
Oona encourages women to begin small.
“I ask women to think about what they enjoyed before marriage or which parts of themselves they set aside. These pieces can become a bridge back to who they still are.”
For Linda M., 62, Asheville, North Carolina, it began with rediscovering a watercolor set she hadn’t touched in decades. “I sat down and started painting. It was messy. It was imperfect. But I felt something wake up in me.” Moments like this are not about achievement. They are about remembering yourself.
What Is Really Holding You Back
If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure why your emotions swing from hope to heaviness, it is grief doing its work. Grief for the relationship, for the years invested, for the future you imagined.
“People who have not fully grieved often struggle to move forward,” Oona explains. “You cannot release something you have not allowed yourself to feel.”
Grief after fifty is layered. You may grieve routines, shared plans, holidays, or even the younger version of yourself who once felt so certain about the future.
In her Psychology Today article, Oona describes how long marriages intertwine identity so deeply that separation can feel like losing the map of your own life. For Maria R., 58, San Antonio, Texas, this was especially true. “I missed the life I thought I was going to have. It surprised me how strong that grief was.” You are not going backward. You are adjusting. And that is part of healing.
Let You Be the Star of Your Life
Many women over fifty have spent years putting others first. Taking care of yourself can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable. But this chapter of life offers permission to explore what you want and need.
“Divorce creates space for women to ask what they want,” Oona says. “Caring for yourself is necessary.” For Caroline S., 55, Seattle, Washington, it started with brunch alone. “I sat by a window with a cup of coffee and realized how long it had been since I chose something just for me.”
You are allowed to take up space. You always were.
Finding the People Who Understand What You’re Feeling
Even with supportive friends and family, you may feel misunderstood. People mean well, but not everyone knows what later-in-life heartbreak feels like.
“Community is essential,” Oona says. “Talking to people who have lived through divorce offers validation that is hard to find elsewhere.”
This support may come from:
• a local or online divorce group
• a therapist
• a friend who truly listens
• a community center gathering
For Janet P., 67, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a small support circle changed everything. “Hearing someone say, ‘I felt that too,’ made me realize I wasn’t carrying this alone.” Healing can be easier when shared.
Trust Can Return Slowly
Whether you want companionship again or not, trust often feels fragile. You may feel cautious. You may feel protective of yourself. That is normal.
“Trust rebuilds slowly,” Oona explains. “It does not need to happen quickly.”
For Diane P., 60, Baltimore, shifting her expectations helped. “I stopped assuming every conversation meant something. I told myself it was just information. That took away the pressure.” You can move at your own pace, and let your heart decide.
Healing Happens
Some mornings you will feel strong. Some afternoons, you may feel heavy. None of this means you are failing.
Oona says, “Notice the tiny shifts. They matter more than you think.”
You may feel progress in small ways:
• better sleep
• laughter returning
• a calmer morning
• preparing a meal you enjoy
• reaching out to a friend
• feeling hopeful for a moment
For Evelyn T., 64, Portland, progress showed up unexpectedly. “One day I realized my mornings didn’t feel heavy anymore. That was the first time I believed I was going to be OK.”
This is how healing starts.
About the Author
Oona Metz, LICSW is a Boston based therapist who specializes in supporting women navigating divorce. She leads divorce support groups and trains therapists across the country. Her writing appears in Psychology Today, Psychotherapy Networker, Cognoscenti, and the Los Angeles Review. Her first book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women (Gallery Books and Simon and Schuster), will be released just shy of her fifty-ninth birthday.
